I feel like I'm the nightmare in somebody else's dream, it's always out of focus and much shorter than it seems.

I'm a complex individual. I make mistakes, I grow, I learn, and ultimately, I strive to be the best I can be. [That wasn't supposed to be a pokemon reference...] I just don't get what's going on in terms of any kinds of relationships at this point.

I miss my mom. I guess it's a good thing I'm going to see her in a couple of days because I really don't want to be here right now. I want to get away, if only for a little bit. Florida will be my escape for a while. My mom gets me in the worst way possible. She knows how frustrating it is to deal with those who come off as pretentious, privileged bastards. I feel like I can appreciate more because of how I grew up with my mom. No, it wasn't fun, but I can appreciate things like my shitty car that fucking runs and is dependable. My car is honestly the best thing I've owned in a while. Yes, it's rusting, leaks when it rains, and has a transmission fluid leak, but it's mine. It's paid for. I love it. My car is rough around the edges, much like myself. My car and I are one in the same. We're difficult to deal with at times, but once you get to know us, it's all second nature. I love my car. I appreciate my car. And yes, it may be "old and crappy", but I refuse to complain about it because it's never let me down. And only I can call it shitty.

I have one final left and it's Bio 152 lecture. I'm worried. Haha. I have to score a high C on the exam in order to pass the course with a C. If I spent less time worrying about it, and more time trying to figure out ways to make Bio click, I would probably be less stressed out all the time. Or this time. I don't know anymore. I'm burnt out, and tired, and I want this semester to be over.

Nothing works out for me when it comes to trying to form any kind of "romantic" relationship, for lack of a better phrase. So, parkour guy decides he's going to tell me that he likes me out of fucking nowhere...okay, I saw it coming. He was a little too cuddly one day when trying to study for Calc. Calc is nothing to get cuddly over. Calc does not make me think sweats and hot chocolate. But anyway. No one I'm interested in that sense ever becomes interested in me when I'm interested in them. Did that make any sense? It's always when I'm over the person do they want to try and start something. No, I'm not going to start anything with Mike. He had his chance back in october/november. It's a little late for this shit. This is why I'm starting to think I can't handle anything serious right now. I just can't worry about it. I don't have the capacity to give a fuck anymore.

Food makes me want to puke. And no, I'm not bulimic. I don't know what I did to piss off my stomach, but I can't seem to get full when I'm hungry. Maybe it's Shafer? Maybe it's food in general, but when I walk into shafer, all hunger leaves my system and I get nauseous. The idea of food doesn't sound delicious to me anymore, and I can't figure it out. It's probably stress, and it'll probably disappear after I'm done with finals. My stomach growls and I have no desire to spare it from the depths of hunger.

Ugh. I'm so fucked up right now. I need winter break more than anyone can imagine. And hopefully I'll come back a better individual.

I got plenty of time to waste on you, got plenty of time to waste on

Cute picture to eradicate the finals stress. :]

Monster, 7-11 taquitos and my chem book. That's about all that studying for this final has boiled down to. Chem is kicking my ass, but why am I letting it? I know this shit. I know I know this shit, so why and I letting it win? It's stupid, and I need to stop.

I've got a handle on this material. It makes sense, I just have a mental block that needs to go away. Things have been lightening up a bit, and I'm just kind of letting things roll. Plus, I found new music to listen to. Electronic, borderline-upbeat shit. Breathe Carolina. They're kind of interesting, but I can't stop listening. Like I can't stop listening to 3OH!3. Oh well.

I really want to just dance, I kind of want a rave. Maybe I'll go to a club in Florida. Maybe I won't. But I know I want one. SO BAD. The music, the atmosphere, I miss it. I need another anime con. Maybe I won't cosplay. Maybe I will. Maybe I need to save some money first. Haha.

I never thought I'd have to try and replace you, but there's no power left inside me to chase you.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore or where I'm going. I hate missing people. I hate feeling stuck. Blegh.

This semester is almost over, and it's stressful and a relief. Stressful because I need to pass and I feel like everything I'm doing is counter-productive to that goal. If sleep could erase all of my problems, I wish I could sleep for a while. I feel burnt out. I've felt like that all semester. And I probably should've waited a semester before coming to college, but there's nothing I can do about that now.

I'm rather happy with my schedule for next semester, though. GAH. I love physics. :D

Music is an odd thing. I'm equal parts happy and frustrated that certain songs can preserve memories. At times, I'll welcome it, but it's the times that I'd rather not that I hate having my music player on shuffle and the powers that be decide to play songs that I'd rather not have associated to memories at that time. Whew. That was a long sentence and I doubt it made any sense. I'm not taking the time to go back and read over it, either, to make sure that it makes sense. Now Playing: Here (In Your Arms) by Hellogoodbye

Sigh. I'm done here for now.

Love's an excuse to get hurt, and to hurt. Do you like to hurt? I do, I do. Then hurt me.

So I found this image while I was stumbling and realized how much it applies to my life and experiences and whatnot. I'm done with regrets and I'm done hating myself for things I've done. I've make plenty of stupid mistakes in my life, and some not so stupid choices, but at the point in time that I made them, it was, in fact, exactly what I wanted. And it's shit like that that helped form the individual that I am today.

"The guy back in Kentucky." That's what I refer to you as, and it's funny calling you that, but it's weird saying your name to people who don't know you. I tried it. I told one of my friends that I'd refer to you by your name and it just didn't work. So, you'll continue to be the guy back in kentucky. And I'll continue to miss you. And not know where I stand with you, again. And maybe it'll morph into a one-sided thing like it was years ago, and I would be willing to accept that. I'm the queen of one-sided feelings. I get it. And I can deal with that. I guess. It's actually kind of funny. Mike understands my predicament with the guy back in kentucky more than I expected him to and it's nice to be able to talk to someone and have them understand. He gets it because he has a "Girl back in NOVA". He gets how difficult it is, and it's nice. Mike is becoming the douchebag guy friend that I've needed since parting ways with the guy back in kentucky. And while we're on the topic of Mike, I'm done having "feelings" for him. He's the guy friend that I need, not the boyfriend I need, and I've distinguished that barrier.

I want this semester to be over, and I want to pass. And I'm doing a good job of focusing and getting organized on schoolwork. I'm not trying, but instead, I'm doing. [Hah. Another lesson taught to me by the guy back in kentucky.] And I wish it took me less time to realize that this is what I should've been doing, but it is what it is.

Thanksgiving break is next week - thank god - and I'm going to try and force my dad to play Swords and Serpents with me at least ONE day out of break. It needs to happen while there's time left to do it.

Oh, and I lost my bank card somehow. Fun stuff. So, I guess this is exactly what I needed. I kept telling myself that I needed to not spend money, and this is a sure fire way not to spend any. Looks like it's nothing but meal swipes for me for two weeks! D: Ah well, it gives me an opportunity to start eating less again. I'm gaining weight and I don't like it. Maybe it was because I didn't have parkour for a week, or something like that. I could just hit up the gym next week. That's looking like an option. I'm rambling.

I hope that someday I'll see without these frames.

What am I doing with my life? These days I'm growing frustrated. Really frustrated. And most of the time, it's all self-induced shit that I'm working through. Like grades. And classes. I'm so disjointed as an individual. I'm in a million different places right now, and I don't want to be in any of them. I find myself trying to put the puzzle together and once I find something that bothers me, I cast the entire puzzle aside, ruining anything that I had put together in the first place.

"But like the partisan whom Mr. Matzerath so admires, I remain restless and dissatisfied; what I knot with my right hand, I undo with my left, what my left hand creates, my right fist shatters." -- Gunter Grass, The Tin Drum

I don't understand why I'm having such a difficult time adjusting to college, adjusting to time management, and adjusting to life. I don't get why college is so much more difficult. I had a more strenuous course load in high school. I need structure and I'm not finding it these days. Maybe I'll have to create a schedule, set study times, etc. I'm falling into a dark place and I don't want to get there again. I don't want to think that everything will become easier if I skip a meal or two. That isn't who I am anymore. I'm better than that and I know it. I just wish things were a little bit easier right now, and they're only getting more frustrating and more difficult.

When I get this frustrated I just want to give up. And I don't want to do that anymore. I just don't know how I'm going to break that habit. I feel so fucking inferior right now. In EVERYTHING that I'm doing. I need a break. :/

I want to kill everybody in the world.

FUCK. I keep finding myself posting here, procrastinating. God damn.

Anyway, that piercing I had done is gone. Probably a good thing I was stupid and took it out. It wasn't the right gauge anyway and I didn't want to wait until it healed to fuck with it again. So, when it heals and Rachel's in a better mood we're getting pierced. I love having friends that like getting pierced. That are on that same wavelength as I am. It's difficult to explain to people why I get pierced, just one of those things. Same thing with trying to explain to people who don't understand the enjoyment of physical pain, or those who don't know what it's like to be so discontent with your figure that you don't eat. It doesn't make sense unless you've been there, or felt it. It's just one of those things.

I got a bunch of music from a friend recently and Adam's Song by Blink-182 was on there and it made me sad about Panda all over again. You never truly get over loss, and if you do, then the connection wasn't strong enough. Yeah, it's been over a year and I don't think about it as much, but that's life, right? Life goes on, even without those you love. Sure, I wish things had been different, and sure, I should've been a much better friend than I was. She was a better friend to me than I ever was to her and I more or less beat myself up over that sometimes. [Not as much anymore considering I don't get anywhere by beating myself up over the past.] I'm better, but I still miss her. I really could use her guidance.

I have proof that some sort of deity exists. [LAWL to BFGLOH]. Anyway, I got back to my dorm after my Theta Tau study meeting and realized that I was hungry. Like, really hungry. And I wanted to go to Qdoba, considering it's the only thing open at midnight on a Thursday. But I didn't want to walk down Broad St. alone at night. It gets pretty sketch. Haha. Anyway, my friend Diego texts me and it says "Qdoba run? :D" Like he fucking read my mind. I was SO pumped. I got to eat Qdoba. :D I'm not a believer in the Christian god, but if some deity is looking out for me, major props to him/her/it. MAJOR PROPS.

I miss high school. Sure, my classes were more difficult, but life seemed easier in that four year period. Even with my horrible phase from freshman year to mid-junior year. It was easier to balance friends, class and family. So much easier. And I had music, and humor and people who got me even when they didn't really get me. I guess I'm just getting nostalgic now. I miss a lot of things I was involved in, like orchestra and quick recall. [WHO FINALLY BEAT MALE. FTMFW. A-town's QR team is such a BAMF] I'm so proud of those guys :'D It just feels like it was so long ago that I was with all of them, and now I'm just so distant, I guess. Granted, I did that on purpose. I could've defaulted and gone to UofL, but I didn't want to be with people I knew, and who knew me. I wanted a fresh start, on a campus I had fallen in love with just by driving through it. I put myself here, and here I intend to stay, even if part of my heart will always reside in Louisville. [I miss Ale-8, too. They don't have it here. FML.]

I can't focus, my mind is wandering. Leaving me, drifting away. FUCK. This is not freewriting time, this is homework time. asdfghjkl;

I'm out.

Thinking 'bout tomorrow won't change how I feel today.

Pics or that shit didn't happen.

Conch piercing. Self-done. Obviously.

:D

Not much has happened lately for me. Apparently there were funnel clouds in Richmond yesterday and I missed that shit. I was upset, no joke. D: I wanted to see it. UGH. I got a text saying to stay inside and away from windows, but when I get a text like that I bolt out the doors to see what's going down. I want so bad to witness a tornado. To see that power, that destruction. God. I can't even imagine the adrenaline rush I would get. My life would be so close to complete.

Dave and Busters totally has a Pump machine and I want to frequent it now that I know it's there. Sad thing, Fiesta is the mix that they have there and I hate fiesta. It's like they were trying to bring back Exceed's interface and FUBAR'd that shit. But I don't need a flash drive since the cheat is on the machine to unlock full mode. I just want to go there and throw all my money at the machine. I'm sad though since my skill has staggered into a flat line and I can't seem to get past that. I wish my "instructor" for lack of a better word was here, but he isn't. :'[ I miss him.

You have suffered enough, and warred with yourself -- It's time that you won.

Theta Tau formal was a blast! I think I had more fun than at my senior prom; granted, I was less distracted by a few things than at prom. I had a great time just having fun with the Brothers and Pledge Brothers. It was a nice experience. Best of all? My junior prom dress still fits! Ahhh. Kind of a silly thing to note, but I'm glad. It's just one of those things that helps me realizing that I'm not gaining weight, or need to lose weight. I'm still fine the way I am. So I'm back in a place where I feel comfortable with my image, and that's a great thing. It's a nice place to be.

I hate crushing on people I have no chance with. Actually, I don't think it's that I don't have a chance, it's that I'm afraid to take that chance, I think. I don't really put myself out there, so I get left with "friend" status. I guess I don't care all that much. Friendship > Relationship by far, but it's still a nice thought. Oh well. I guess I'll give this time to see if it grows or diminishes as I get to know this guy, and I'll learn from my past mistakes and I'll confront my feelings rather than letting them rot in my system for four years, getting them out, realizing that I'm getting myself nowhere. Except over that person. XD

I got really, really nostalgic today. I got to ooVoo Ethan today, and it was neat to be able to talk to a friend from high school. Granted, it is kind of lame to video chat, but hey, it's better than nothing. And I think it's neat to be able to talk to someone and see their face. It's like a fake-ass replacement for actually being there face to face. And I prefer video chat to phone calls. And now I'm watching a Ustream of a friend playing Pump. So now I miss that friend and Pump. All kinds of being all over the place.

My sleep schedule is fucked up due to Thursday's activities. I stayed up really late trying to get homework done and now I'm all over the place in terms of sleep. So. I need to figure out what's going on. I'm kind of afraid to go to sleep because I don't want to sleep through Chem Lab test. So I'm going to try to sleep on the floor. Because I generally wake up on time when I sleep on the floor, and my roommate isn't here so she won't think I'm crazy. XD

I need to work on my audition piece. Forreal.

I love getting into discussions about religion/spirituality when I know the other person isn't going to get pissed off and offended when we discuss it.

Parkour is going really, really well, I think. Aside from the conditioning which kicks my ass. And the fact that I can't exactly climb up walls yet, but I'm getting there. I keep drawing blood. And my muscles are aching less the more I practice. I just can't wait to get better at it. It's something active that I have fun doing. And it gives me time to hang out with that guy I'm crushing on. Especially since I can hang out with him outside of parkour practices and have him tell me what I'm doing way wrong.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling.

Note to those looking for good music: Look up Wilderness Survival. They're great. :D

Am I good enough for you to love me, too?

Well, it turns out I do have to audition. And I was worrying about it until I realized that I love my audition piece. Vivaldi is so amazing, especially when he does minor compositions. I can't even express how I feel towards this movement. It's one of those pieces that I just don't want to quit rehearsing, no matter how much my carpal tunnel acts up or my arm muscles ache. And then I realized: why am I worrying? I'm going to go into that audition and fuckin' rock this piece. It's minor, it's baroque, I've got this shit. I'm excited. I just want to learn it already.

I have a tattoo idea, I want to get f-holes, like on a violin, on my back on the curve of my figure. So it's like I've become the instrument. I love idea, and I'm excited to just get it done. Haha. If I don't get it, I'll probably get something else music-related. Because I love music.

I only hope that music can love me, too.

Without you, without you everything falls apart. Without you, it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

Stressing out. Kind of. Just a little bit. Yeah...I'm stressing. Online homework is a bitch. I hate it. Especially for things like math where it's imperative that you know the processes behind the calculations. VCU's server has been down literally all day and I have a lab due tomorrow morning at 8 AM and...well...sure, I shouldn't have procrastinated, but I couldn't have known that the server was going to die on me, either. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that the TA isn't a bitch and understands.

ALSO, just to make sure we're on the same page: displacement DOES NOT equal distance. KTHXBAI

I had my first parkour practice and it was AMAZING. I like that I can participate in something physical and have so much fun doing it. Running, like endurance running, was only as fun as I made it. Parkour has application and you can play games doing it. Sure, I'm sore as a mother fucker right now, but I don't regret it at all. I'm definitely going to keep this up. PLUS, HvZ is coming up and I haven't played that since high school...LAWL. It doesn't help that this guy from my chemistry class is in parkour. And I'm kind of crushing on him a little bit. Oh, well...

So I hit the submit button for my minor in music yesterday. It turns out you don't have to audition for a minor in music so long as it isn't vocal? I find that a little odd. Especially since VCU takes such pride in its arts programs. But I hope I get in. I've missed music so much, and I don't want to drop it. Not after the long journey I've been on with it. Music is kind of my constant these days, I'd feel really lost without having it in my life somewhere. I appreciate it too much to let it go.

Hah. So, college is breaking me out of my shell a little bit; Pledging Theta Tau, Parkour -- shit, I'm even singing karaoke and playing vocals in rockband. I don't have a great voice, but it's fun. :3 College is turning out to be the learning experience that I think I've needed. It's the chance to grow up that I've missed these past however many years. I get to be a kid. Finally.

Ugh. So, something's wrong with my poor ghetto rusty car. ;3; I think it has something to do with the transmission because when it goes to shift into higher gears [it's an automatic] it's like it sticks in neutral for a while. So...I'm going to risk driving 2 hours to my dad's house to have him look at it. D; This'll be fun. I'm TOTALLY looking forward to that. NOT. At least my fridays are done at noon. That's one of the few things I'm looking forward to this weekend. The other is going shopping, which very rarely do I ever get excited about. It's been so long since I've looked forward to getting "new" clothes. Haha. I'm such a thrift-shopper it's ridiculous. I'm practical. If I can get a pair of jeans for 3 dollars, why not get them? $3 is a much nicer price than $50 anyway.

I guess I should quit procrastinating and probably work on this lab that's due in 7 hours.

If this is it, don't bother 'cause this love is a lie; I'm a chemical kid, you're a mechanical bride.

I dress like a VCUarts kid. Not an Engineering major.

Still working on finding that balance for school work...it hasn't hit me yet, I guess. I should've slacked off more in high school, I think. Or maybe not have slacked off at all. I'm procrastinating. Then again, I don't suppose I was going to break that habit any time soon. The picture above? Taken just a few moments ago. I'm a procrastinator. That will probably always be a quality that I possess, not that it's necessarily a good one, but definitely better than some.

I don't know what to listen to anymore, music-wise. I have well over 13 gigs of music, none of which do I have an intense desire to listen to at the moment. Life is pretty transitional at the moment, and I guess that's how music is going for me. Or, rather, that's how music is representing it for me. The weather is -hopefully- transitioning into autumn, I'm -once again, hopefully- getting into the swing of my classes, and I'm working on becoming comfortable with myself again. I went through a bumpy road recently where I wasn't happy with my image...again. I know it gets old to hear, but I'm not sure if I'll ever get to a point where I am 100% happy with how I look, or my weight, or my figure. It's just one of those things. I'm definitely a lot happier when I accept how I look, and I feel less self-conscious about it, but that lingering feeling will still...linger. I have too many opinions on the topic, and I'm pretty set in my views. Talking about eating disorders will always bother me, even though I never had a diagnosed one. I never let it get to that point, and I'm glad for that. I'm glad I have someone I can thank for pulling me out of that mess, despite the means. And I'm not necessarily one for "the ends justifies the means" but in this case, I could forgive this individual regardless.

Nothing really spectacular has happened up to this point, so I guess I'll leave this as it is.

Redeem all ignorance. Apprentice disqualified. Percentile of relevance.

I need to get my shit together. I need to sit down and study. To read my goddamn textbooks and quit complaining about it. To focus and not get discouraged.

I know I'm not going to understand everything, and I know I'm not going to be the best at everything, but I find myself studying for a class that I don't even really need to study for. Calculus is not a foreign concept to me; I understand it. I spend more time on it because I'm familiar with it, which is counter-productive. If I've learned anything from my C's on assignments this past week is that I need to focus my attention on the subjects that I'm not all too strong in: Biology, Engineering, and Chemistry. And engineering isn't too bad once I memorize the formulas. So many formulas...

So, I thought I had made a friend who had two of my classes, that Bio major, but it turns out he's changing majors. I could still try to be friends with him, though. Maybe if I wasn't so socially awkward. Ah, well.

Theta Tau is progressing, I suppose. I haven't lost my book or my pledge pin, but things will get interesting when I have to start doing signature tasks for the brother's signatures. Or when initiation comes around. As a pledge, we're assigned a "big brother" who is supposed to be our mentor throughout the pledging process and it's kind of funny how similar me and my Big are. She's a huge math and physics person, much like myself, and she's literally like a month older than me. I find it easy to talk to her, too, which is a good thing.

I need to work on my music major audition piece. Forreal. I just haven't the means at the moment. I can't use practice rooms because you have to be a music student or have private lessons, but I can't, or I'm not supposed to, practice in my dorm room. Which, I don't really understand...considering my dorm is technically the artsy dorm with all of the artsy kids. I don't think anyone would mind too much...but I get nervous playing in front of people. That's going to have to be something I get over.

Anyway, my first college exam is tomorrow! Calculus. Of course. Haha. Nothing too horrible...and I hope I do well on it considering limits aren't my strong suit in calculus. But I should probably study some.

Peace.

You're like an outtake to a beautifully scripted scene, where the actor tripped and fell and shouted something obscene

College is feeling very real now. It's great. I've made the transition of calling my dorm room home, my roommate my newest best friend, and falling behind in classes. Who knew you actually had to READ the textbooks they make you buy. Haha.

Not even three weeks into the school semester and I'm averaging a B on chemistry homework. .___. I don't understand why I need to know the atomic theory in such detail. Sure, it's nice to know who did what and give them credit for it, but in the end, it really isn't going to help me balance equations. Or help me understand how to name ionic compounds. When do I get to take physics?

Biology has me at a loss. Macromolecules are WAY more intense and difficult and complex than I remember. Oh, and DNA transcription and translation? FML. I never was much of a biology dork. And I haven't had the opportunity to talk to that guy from my biology lab yet. Ah well. Again: when do I get to take physics?

Calculus is the epitome of study on my own. My professor cannot teach. But I'll be fine once we get out of limits. Derivatives and Integrals are easy. And I love them. REAL MATH. I love it.

Engineering has me cringing and excited at the same time. It's a class all about circuits and we never learned about that in physics. Never got to that point. So everything is so new to me. Like digital multimeters and circuit boards and resistors. But at the same time, I'm so interested in the physics behind it all. It's really cool to see an application of what I learned, like power and work, in a lab. Oh, I forgot to mention that this class is both a lecture and lab class. I'm not looking forward to lab reports, but it'll be an interesting experience.

Theta Tau: co-ed professional engineering fraternity. Guess who's a pledge!? :3 I'm kind of excited about this. It'll be a great opportunity to network and talk to like-majored individuals. Plus, the upperclassmen will be able to help me if I get stuck on classwork. I had to create this "acceptance" to my bid letter, and with the help of my lovely roommate Leah, we created a mobile. It's pretty bad-ass, actually. It has three tiers and they're shaped like gears, and we hung washers and bolts and screws from it, and I made a spirally Theta Tau on the top...I might have to upload pictures of it later. It was a fun little art project to show off a little creativity.

Speaking of creativity, I hate it when I have inspiration to create something, but it never transfers as well on paper as I envision it. For instance, I made a tweet a while about talking about how I could never just be satisfied with good memories. Then it hit me: why not try to create a brain with a necrotic-looking hippocampus? I tried to doodle it, but I am just not half as artistic as I used to be. Well, visually artistic. I used to be half-way decent with sketching and stuff, but now, I just lack inspiration. Artists block? Perhaps.

I'm thinking of a haircut and a dye job. I need it oh-so-desperately.

And my post is lacking substance, and my roommate is trying to sleep, and I have a 10 AM tomorrow. So I think I'm done for now.

I never wanted to love, but you've got nothing that's wrong.

College. Man, it's starting to feel real. Haha, a week after the fact. I love it here. Everything about campus, everything about the crowds of people, even everything down to the sirens that go off every few hours. I love it. It's urban. :] It makes me happy, and I feel like I belong here.

I'm looking forward to my classes this semester, save for my calculus class. My teacher is an older lady, technologically-inept, and explains NOTHING. So, if I didn't have my background in calculus I would be virtually fucked. Pardon the pun, considering all of my homework and several quizzes will be online. Oh. And I have yet to get my textbooks, but hopefully they come tomorrow. -crosses fingers-

I thought I had pretty much become desynthetized to relationships and feeling anything for pretty much anyone...but like always, I had thought wrong. There's this guy. Haha, of course. This guy is in both my Biology 152 class and Biology 152 lab. Plus, he's a bio major. So, I could probably get him to help me on my homework and stuff. But this is the first time in a while that someone has given me "butterflies" -- for lack of a better word. Emotions. Got to love them. But I guess I'll see what happens. At least I took initiative and talked to him. XD

I need to e-mail this lady about minoring in music. I'm pretty much at a loss as to what "standard repertoire" exactly is. I'm thinking maybe some Vivaldi. -lessthanthree- I love Vivaldi. Oh, baroque music. :] I'm not going to get my hopes up, considering VCU seems pretty exclusive about its arts programs. It is the number-one public arts program in the U.S. It would be nice to be able to continue something that's been such a huge influence and part of my life.

That's pretty much it for now.

You said too late to start, got your heart in a headlock; I don't believe any of it

OTAKON WAS INCREDIBLE. Wow. Ota 2010 was my second Otakon, and by far the best experience I've had with the con. Probably because it wasn't my first time at a con, let alone a con that huge. But still. INCREDIBLE. I spent it with three people: my roommate, her best friend, and their guy friend. It was a blast.

It scares me how much my roommate and I have in common. We're on the same wavelength, it's insane. And awesome. And slightly scary, but did I mention it was awesome? CAUSE IT TOTALLY IS.

Anyway. I got to do shit at this con that I wanted to do, rather than my first Ota where I followed my friend around while she went to her photoshoots. @__@ I mean, that was great, but for a first con, that wasn't exactly fun. This con, I got to play Pump Pro 2 in the game room a few times, which was pretty great, stalked Christy Lijewski all three days in the artist alley, and roamed the dealer's room. We also rocked the rave. OH how I needed that. -lessthanthree-

I've come to realize that I don't feel half as bad blowing money in the artist alley as I do in the dealer's room. Partially because I know the money goes directly to the artist, and it's fucking art. :3 That and it's hard to be an artist and make a solid living. So, I feel like I'm contributing to the greater good or some shit. So, needless to say, I pretty much bought shit from Christy like I always do [no prints this time, it's a start!], and bought stuff from two other artists I follow on DeviantArt.

God. This weekend was pretty fucking awesome. Aside from someone pulling the fire alarm, but that's okay. Too bad we didn't get any "Where's Waldo?" pics. Drat.

You take me to a place where my senses gave-way

Wow. Spending one day on campus for orientation made me realize I truly made the right choice in a college for me. VCU is PERFECT. Everything about it makes me happy. The campus, the location, the diversity. Shit, dude. There are TWO Vietnamese restaurants within walking distance of my dorm. Am I super pumped? Fuck yeah. I've made a few friends, my roommate is the shit and to be honest? I'm not sweating the gross community bathroom anymore. I'm actually kind of looking forward to that considering I spent the night in the newer dorm with the suite bathroom and I wasn't impressed at all with the layout. The sink and mirror was in the room, as opposed to the bathroom. I think I got placed in the right dorm, too. Johnson Hall has the most character of all the dorms on campus, anyway.

And I've come to learn that it's a super small world. I was talking to a girl at orientation today and we talked about where we were from and I told her I was from Kentucky and she asked me who my roommate was -- It turns out I stole her roommate! How weird is that? What were the odds of me meeting a friend of my roommate? Seriously?

OH. And I can totally eat Cap'n Crunch cereal for breakfast! AH. I'm so excited. FOR SURE.

Not too much new other than I'm fucking PUMPED for VCU and I'm glad that I applied to the school of my dreams.

I hear the song; it's new to me. But I sing along so I can feel like someone who wasn't wasting time on you.

Well. Now I'm in Virginia. It's weird. I don't know. It scares the fuck out of me that I'm an adult. When did this happen? It's bizarre. And I guess what scares me about being an adult is that it's now my turn to define what being an adult is about. [[ Thanks xkcd for that ]] I guess this just means I have to keep moving forward. There's not turning back now. Orientation is tomorrow for college. Geez. When did that happen? Haha. Everything is finally happening and it's freaking me out that it is.

I love song remixes. Like the Trash80 remix of Leeni's Raw Footage. Trash did a good job of making the song danceable. It was the first time I felt like dancing on an airplane. It was kind of silly. Hell, I'm kind of silly. But it's alright. I'd rather be silly. It makes life more fun.

Life is kind of boring here for the time being. My siblings aren't here and for the first time in fifteen years, I feel like I'm an only child. And as much as I love the peace and quiet, I'm lonely. And that's weird for me to admit. I usually never get this lonely. Sure, there are times when I would be at home by myself and my mom was at work and I'd think "I really don't want to be alone tonight" but that's a different kind of alone. This is the kind of alone that makes you want to talk to yourself and fight with yourself. I guess it's a boring kind of alone.

In other notes: it's fading. Or it feels like it is. And it's times like these when I wish that I had given up while I was ahead. Maybe it won't be so bad later on, but right now? Kind of sucks. But it's alright. I'm alright. ;] I'm a trooper.

Apparently, people think I'm a vegetarian. Which I don't understand. I mean, sure, I'm kind of skinny, but I'm carnivorous. So, this weekend for a wedding for a family member I'm not so close to I have to eat veggie lasagna. Hmm...this will be an interesting.

Anyway. This is all jumbled and not making any sense, kind of like my thoughts at the moment and I guess that's reflected. Haha.

Prop me up with another pill.

I actually kind of really dislike being sick. I'm generally the kind of person that doesn't get sick often, but when I do, boy do I manage to take the cake.

About a week ago, I contracted some kind of weird bug. I got achy in the joints and muscles, felt cold all of the time, slightly lethargic. Oh, and I lost all will, desire, and appetite, to eat and drink. The kind of sick where you just want to curl up in bed and die. After about two days, I dropped the flu-esque illness to have a new development: the right side of my throat hurt. This made swallowing difficult, naturally. I didn't think anything of it, though, because the flu thing from before, if it was a flu, and a virus, going to the doctor would not help anything. You kind of just have to let the virus run it's course. Cursed protein-encased agent!

So, I've been dealing with this for a while. And I was fine. In fact, I -feel- fine, aside from the fact that it hurts to swallow and I still lack the desire to eat. Well, today I had a new, new development in this week-long struggle to become healthy again: I can cough up blood. So my "let's just wait it out a bit longer" plan turned into "hey mom, I'm kind of coughing up blood." So, cause to worry? Perhaps. And my mom, who tends to freak out when I come down with an ailment, rushed me to the ER because we don't have a doctor here in Florida yet, and it was Sunday. -- The whole coughing up blood thing was actually kind of neat. It made for some great grossshit pictures. I'm into that stuff, too. I kind of always wanted to know what it was like to cough up blood and I finally got to know. Slightly painful, but it looks so cool.

After about an hour at the doctor, and signing my own papers because I'm legally an adult, I landed myself the diagnosis of acute pharyngitis. Doesn't sound very "cute". Bad pun, I know. So now I'm just waiting for the penicillin to kick in and fight off this infection in my throat. I'm pretty sure I've stopped bleeding, which is probably a good sign. Eh...scratch that. Definitely a good sign.

And I suppose I've learned a good lesson: people worry when you post a facebook status about spitting up blood. That was probably the most response I've ever gotten on a status. I didn't realize I gave anyone cause to alarm.

In other news, I leave in eight days. That's crazy. Summer is dwindling, and I can't believe I'm almost a college student. I can't wait until orientation, but part of me is afraid to leave my mom on her own. It's weird, but I've kind of been her rock to lean on. I've always been there for her, and she won't have me. But we both need this. And I'm ready to take this leap into adulthood.

If only tears could bring you back to me.

Tomorrow, it will have been a full year; 365 days since my friend Maria Teresa Angela D. Camara decided that it would be better to take her own life than to try and work through this tough world. 365 days and I still want to call her. 365 days and I'm still a little bitter, still a little regretful, and still a little sad. 365 days and I still feel like I never got to feel the full effect of her death. Unlike all of my other friends, I never got to go to visitation. I never got to go through her room with Tay and everyone else in our group. I never got to see the video she left us. So, in a way, I feel a little gypped. And I know that none of this is her or my fault. It's no one's fault. I refuse to place the blame on anyone or anything. Yeah, she should have come to someone. And, yeah, she shouldn't lied to us. But it's honestly too late to worry about any of that now. It's all said and done and nothing we can do can change the past. It's happened, it's done, and it's now over with. I guess it just makes me take suicide threats more seriously now. And I don't take any of the time I have with anyone for granted. You never know when the last time you get to see someone is, and the last time I got to see Panda before she died was at the orchestra Solo and Ensemble at Atherton that February.

I haven't shed a tear for her since probably on her birthday, 9.12.09, since her parent's threw her a party. But I might have to again tomorrow. I'm also going to start a new tradition: I'm going to wear a yellow ribbon both on July 9th and September 12th - Her death day [That sounds horrible] and her birthday. And in case anyone doesn't know, yellow ribbons also stand for suicide prevention/awareness.

So, tomorrow might be a hard day, but I'll make it through.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.

Ugh. I don't feel good. It isn't even an "I feel sick" not good, it's a deeper feeling of not feeling good. It's somewhat unsettling and I don't like it. I hate not feeling good. Hate it, hate it, hate it. It might be my new diet here. Everything is hamburgers and fries. Grease. I'm not used to it. It makes me not have an appetite and I -HATE- not having an appetite.

I just finished one of the best games that I've ever played, ever. Mother 3. Everything about this game is incredible: music, story, character development, battle system. I even cried at the end of it. You just get so attached to the characters and it's so involving. It took me about 27 hours to complete and you can emulate a translation of it on the GBA because they never released this incredible game here in the States.

I leave for Virginia on July 18th. I can't believe it's so soon, but at the same time, it feels like it's really far off. I'm still antsy and I still want to be at VCU, in my dorm, organizing my new home for the next year. Everything it making me antsy: Otakon, VCU, IB test scores. I'm just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting until the time comes that everything is finally settled.

I can't believe how dependent I am on my cell phone, either. It's been shut off since June 27th and I feel so cut off from everyone. It was like my lifeline, haha. I guess that really says something about teenagers today, huh? So attached to technology. It doesn't make me want to give it up, though. I miss my phone. Period.

I might actually get in the water tomorrow. We're supposed to go out on my grandfather's boat and just...drive around. I've been really hesitant to get in the water because of my navel piercing, but I think it's at an okay point to where I can get in. Plus, the salt water might actually do it some good. Ah, well.

Music is Happiness ~ ♫ ♬ ♪ ♩

Amendment to my last post: I can't give up on people. The person I wrote about? We're talking again, like we're friends again. -sighs- This always happens to me. I get ready to give up on someone, so ready to be done, and they walk back into my life. Don't get me wrong, it's happened before where I've been so ready to give up on something and it turns out to work, but I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of having to feel like giving up before something finally works. It's not fair. Nothing's ever easy for me. Ever.

I'm actually glad that I'm talking to this person again. We kind of play music-tag and spam each other with e-mails with attached songs. It's kind of fun. I love sharing music with people, especially music that I know of that isn't so well-know. :] It makes me feel like I'm doing my part for the greater music community or some shit. My current obsessions? Phantogram and The Octopus Project. A few of their songs can be heard on my playlist at the bottom of my blog. If you want Phantogram's latest single you can download it -for free!- from fuzzedout.com, but you only have until the end of the week. That's a great site by the way. :3 AHHHH. Music is happiness!

Speaking of music, I need to figure out how to minor in it in college. I don't want to give it up. Music has always been there and I don't want to drop it just because I'm in a demanding major. It'd make me really sad. :/ So, maybe my academic advisor will be able to help me when I have orientation in a few weeks. July 21 and 22! :D VCU!

Things are looking up for Otakon. 36 days! AHH! I'm not even done with my cosplays! D; But that's okay. I might be staying with my roommate and her convention buddy which is fine by me. I don't really want to be in the big city of Baltimore by myself. I mean, I am legally an adult, and I have to learn to get around by myself, but I'm still taking baby steps. I can't deal with all of this freedom my dad's thrusting at me. It's kind of nice, but at the same time, really frightening. My dad wants to loosen his grip while my mom wants to tighten hers while she still can. It's an odd dynamic and I feel like I'm playing tug-of-war. Again. I always feel this way when I'm with them. I feel like they use me to get back at each other and that I have to "pick sides" like it's some kind of fucking war. That's why I've decided that if I ever get married and have kids and it does end in divorce, I want to remain on good terms with my ex like Ms. Morrow did. I wouldn't ever want my kids to have to go through this tug-of-war feeling. I don't want to bad-mouth my ex in front of my kids. It'd be nice to be able to talk to him/her without going through my kids. That's kind of why I'm afraid to be a parent. I'm so scared that I'm going to end up being like one of my parents. Hell, maybe like both of them. A wise friend of mine told me that both he and I would make great parents because we had examples of what not to be. I wish I could believe him.

Broken Hearts and Torn Up Letters.

There comes a time when you sit down and seriously consider who really matters in your life and those people who never seem to want to be your friend except for when it's convenient for them. I suppose my first clue was that it took a little over three years to form any sort of connection with this individual. Three years to form any sort of solid - hell, it's nowhere near solid, it's more like gelatinous - friendship. And I guess it bothers me that I spent a lot of time trying to become better friends with this individual only to get brushed off. I'm done trying. I'm sick to trying to be a part of someone's life who obviously doesn't want me in it. And I think I'm mostly mad at myself for kidding myself for so long, for listening to rumors, putting stock in something so...gelatinous. And sitting here, thinking about it, only makes it hurt even more. I didn't expect this friendship, or whatever the fuck it is, to fall through so soon. Especially because I held this person in such high esteem. I give up.

On a different note, I like comparing people from different generations. Take me and my grandfather for example. Earlier today he was talking about piercings and tattoos in a negative light, saying he didn't understand the point, which I can understand. I don't exactly take a conventional stand when it comes to piercings and tattoos; I like piercings because of the pain and adrenaline rush, plus they oftentimes look AMAZING. But it makes me wonder about the future: what kinds of things will -our- generation find offensive that our grandchildren will be completely open and accepting about? It's inconceivable to me; I can't think of anything that I would find offensive or not accepting of. Hell, most of our generation is completely open to gay rights. Maybe I'm blind and it'll only be a matter of time until I find something so offensive that I feel the need to protest against it. Only the future will tell, right?

I cut my hair the other day, I gave myself bangs. I'm antsy. I'm in a transitional period at the moment and I don't think I'll be completely happy until I'm out of it. I want to move. I want to be in Richmond and start classes. If I can't be there, I want to be on familiar ground, to be with people I know. I want to dye my hair. I think I'm experiencing cabin fever. I want to leave, but I'm trapped. Confined. I'll find my way out of this box eventually, I just have to manage a little longer.

Decisions, decisions...

Orientation for VCU is July 21-22. I'm excited, and nervous, and a little afraid, and anxious, and just a plethora of emotions and feelings. I keep trying to talk myself up about it, to try and be a tad more social than I am, 'cause let's face it: I'm really not all that social. I hate talking on the phone, I hate talking to people face-to-face. I hate confrontation and I sound like an idiot when I try to speak. I get nervous, my voice waivers and I say as little as possible to try to deter the other person from continuing to speak with me. It's horrible. I know all of this, I know full well what I do in order to push people away. I know the process, I know exactly what to do, and say, in order to make sure no one gets close to me. Unless, of course, the person knows exactly what I'm doing and counters it and makes sure I open up. But that's a different story entirely. The fact is, I have to find some way to break my tradition of silence and welcome new people into my life. Let's face it, college is not going to be a repeat of high school. I'm not going to go through the same phases. I'm better now. I'm not going to lose that.

Otakon is in a little over a month and I have to decide on whether or not I'm going. It's stressful. I hate relying on other people to determine whether or not I can go, and I'd hate to be stuck in Baltimore by myself. It's not really the alone part that bothers me. Hell, I was at AMA last year by myself and it didn't bother me. I found a cosplay group and I stuck with them the whole time. Best con experience ever. It's the fact that Baltimore is a HUGE city, and you have to pay to park, like, everywhere. I could room with someone and go to the con with them and split up at the con. I wouldn't mind that, but the trouble is finding someone to room with. .___.

I think I find things to stress myself out. I think a lot of the time it's all in my head and I have to find something to stress about so I can have the feeling of relief when it's all said and done. Take my math placement test for VCU. I stressed over it because I felt like I didn't know Trigonometry. In reality? I only missed one out of fifteen questions. I made it into Calculus - Math 200, like I was stressing. I worry myself thin. I do this all the time. It's something I need to get over as well. I'm a lot happier when I'm not worrying, or stressing over something that I don't need to stress about. It's unnecessary, and makes me neurotic.

On a different note: my mom wants to bond. And it's not really unwelcome, just slightly surprising. I don't know, I think she's finally coming to realize that I'm going off to college and I won't be here anymore. It's one of those things. It's not like I'm dying, but you don't realize what you have until it's gone. And she probably feels like these past eighteen years were taken for granted. Which is expected. And I don't blame her. And I don't mind it. It's kind of nice to have a mom now. Someone that wants to spend time with her child and laugh and be somewhat of friends. Rather than me acting as a pseudo-mother for my younger sister. It's times like these when I feel like I made the right choice going away and out of state for college. I no longer feel guilty or like I'm choosing one parent over the other. I finally feel like I'm doing the right decision for everyone, myself included.

And so it begins...

It's been a while since I've taken up blogging, about four years to be exact. I never really had much to say back then...but who's to say that I've found it possible to say much now, either? I suppose time will tell.

I'm an eighteen year old from Louisville, Kentucky. Not that exciting of a place, but enough of a place that I could call it home if I ever went back. I've had good memories and bad memories, but I'd never want to leave them behind. I like memories: the good and the bad. They're something to look back on, something to cause a smile or to shed a tear. I guess I never realized how important I held memories until I left.

"Leaving a trail is only a good idea if you can afford to lose what you're leaving behind,"

-- Photopia.

I'm leaving a trail, alright. But it's not a trail that I intend to lose. I'm leaving 4+ years of memories and friends behind for what, you ask? College. Virginia Commonwealth University, to be exact. Exciting? Yes. Perhaps the most excited I've been in quite some time. After all, it's the only school that I applied to. But with that excitement comes the pain of leaving everything behind. Sure, sure, I'm not technically leaving everything behind. After all, there's skype, AIM, MSN, facebook...the possibilities are endless. But who's to say that after a year of college life those close ties and friendships aren't going to diminish ever so slightly? Part of that frightens me. A lot. Like, a lot, a lot. But that's a part of life and growing up, right? Your bonds in high school just helped pave and form you into an individual who's ready to face the real world...kind of. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to leave everyone and everything I've known behind for new experiences, new faces, greater diversity.

After all, this is the first step; Not only is it the end of everything I've known, but the beginning of everything I will come to know.