What am I doing with my life? These days I'm growing frustrated. Really frustrated. And most of the time, it's all self-induced shit that I'm working through. Like grades. And classes. I'm so disjointed as an individual. I'm in a million different places right now, and I don't want to be in any of them. I find myself trying to put the puzzle together and once I find something that bothers me, I cast the entire puzzle aside, ruining anything that I had put together in the first place.
"But like the partisan whom Mr. Matzerath so admires, I remain restless and dissatisfied; what I knot with my right hand, I undo with my left, what my left hand creates, my right fist shatters." -- Gunter Grass, The Tin Drum
I don't understand why I'm having such a difficult time adjusting to college, adjusting to time management, and adjusting to life. I don't get why college is so much more difficult. I had a more strenuous course load in high school. I need structure and I'm not finding it these days. Maybe I'll have to create a schedule, set study times, etc. I'm falling into a dark place and I don't want to get there again. I don't want to think that everything will become easier if I skip a meal or two. That isn't who I am anymore. I'm better than that and I know it. I just wish things were a little bit easier right now, and they're only getting more frustrating and more difficult.
When I get this frustrated I just want to give up. And I don't want to do that anymore. I just don't know how I'm going to break that habit. I feel so fucking inferior right now. In EVERYTHING that I'm doing. I need a break. :/
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