Tomorrow, it will have been a full year; 365 days since my friend Maria Teresa Angela D. Camara decided that it would be better to take her own life than to try and work through this tough world. 365 days and I still want to call her. 365 days and I'm still a little bitter, still a little regretful, and still a little sad. 365 days and I still feel like I never got to feel the full effect of her death. Unlike all of my other friends, I never got to go to visitation. I never got to go through her room with Tay and everyone else in our group. I never got to see the video she left us. So, in a way, I feel a little gypped. And I know that none of this is her or my fault. It's no one's fault. I refuse to place the blame on anyone or anything. Yeah, she should have come to someone. And, yeah, she shouldn't lied to us. But it's honestly too late to worry about any of that now. It's all said and done and nothing we can do can change the past. It's happened, it's done, and it's now over with. I guess it just makes me take suicide threats more seriously now. And I don't take any of the time I have with anyone for granted. You never know when the last time you get to see someone is, and the last time I got to see Panda before she died was at the orchestra Solo and Ensemble at Atherton that February.
I haven't shed a tear for her since probably on her birthday, 9.12.09, since her parent's threw her a party. But I might have to again tomorrow. I'm also going to start a new tradition: I'm going to wear a yellow ribbon both on July 9th and September 12th - Her death day [That sounds horrible] and her birthday. And in case anyone doesn't know, yellow ribbons also stand for suicide prevention/awareness.
So, tomorrow might be a hard day, but I'll make it through.
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