Decisions, decisions...

Orientation for VCU is July 21-22. I'm excited, and nervous, and a little afraid, and anxious, and just a plethora of emotions and feelings. I keep trying to talk myself up about it, to try and be a tad more social than I am, 'cause let's face it: I'm really not all that social. I hate talking on the phone, I hate talking to people face-to-face. I hate confrontation and I sound like an idiot when I try to speak. I get nervous, my voice waivers and I say as little as possible to try to deter the other person from continuing to speak with me. It's horrible. I know all of this, I know full well what I do in order to push people away. I know the process, I know exactly what to do, and say, in order to make sure no one gets close to me. Unless, of course, the person knows exactly what I'm doing and counters it and makes sure I open up. But that's a different story entirely. The fact is, I have to find some way to break my tradition of silence and welcome new people into my life. Let's face it, college is not going to be a repeat of high school. I'm not going to go through the same phases. I'm better now. I'm not going to lose that.

Otakon is in a little over a month and I have to decide on whether or not I'm going. It's stressful. I hate relying on other people to determine whether or not I can go, and I'd hate to be stuck in Baltimore by myself. It's not really the alone part that bothers me. Hell, I was at AMA last year by myself and it didn't bother me. I found a cosplay group and I stuck with them the whole time. Best con experience ever. It's the fact that Baltimore is a HUGE city, and you have to pay to park, like, everywhere. I could room with someone and go to the con with them and split up at the con. I wouldn't mind that, but the trouble is finding someone to room with. .___.

I think I find things to stress myself out. I think a lot of the time it's all in my head and I have to find something to stress about so I can have the feeling of relief when it's all said and done. Take my math placement test for VCU. I stressed over it because I felt like I didn't know Trigonometry. In reality? I only missed one out of fifteen questions. I made it into Calculus - Math 200, like I was stressing. I worry myself thin. I do this all the time. It's something I need to get over as well. I'm a lot happier when I'm not worrying, or stressing over something that I don't need to stress about. It's unnecessary, and makes me neurotic.

On a different note: my mom wants to bond. And it's not really unwelcome, just slightly surprising. I don't know, I think she's finally coming to realize that I'm going off to college and I won't be here anymore. It's one of those things. It's not like I'm dying, but you don't realize what you have until it's gone. And she probably feels like these past eighteen years were taken for granted. Which is expected. And I don't blame her. And I don't mind it. It's kind of nice to have a mom now. Someone that wants to spend time with her child and laugh and be somewhat of friends. Rather than me acting as a pseudo-mother for my younger sister. It's times like these when I feel like I made the right choice going away and out of state for college. I no longer feel guilty or like I'm choosing one parent over the other. I finally feel like I'm doing the right decision for everyone, myself included.