Music is Happiness ~ ♫ ♬ ♪ ♩

Amendment to my last post: I can't give up on people. The person I wrote about? We're talking again, like we're friends again. -sighs- This always happens to me. I get ready to give up on someone, so ready to be done, and they walk back into my life. Don't get me wrong, it's happened before where I've been so ready to give up on something and it turns out to work, but I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of having to feel like giving up before something finally works. It's not fair. Nothing's ever easy for me. Ever.

I'm actually glad that I'm talking to this person again. We kind of play music-tag and spam each other with e-mails with attached songs. It's kind of fun. I love sharing music with people, especially music that I know of that isn't so well-know. :] It makes me feel like I'm doing my part for the greater music community or some shit. My current obsessions? Phantogram and The Octopus Project. A few of their songs can be heard on my playlist at the bottom of my blog. If you want Phantogram's latest single you can download it -for free!- from fuzzedout.com, but you only have until the end of the week. That's a great site by the way. :3 AHHHH. Music is happiness!

Speaking of music, I need to figure out how to minor in it in college. I don't want to give it up. Music has always been there and I don't want to drop it just because I'm in a demanding major. It'd make me really sad. :/ So, maybe my academic advisor will be able to help me when I have orientation in a few weeks. July 21 and 22! :D VCU!

Things are looking up for Otakon. 36 days! AHH! I'm not even done with my cosplays! D; But that's okay. I might be staying with my roommate and her convention buddy which is fine by me. I don't really want to be in the big city of Baltimore by myself. I mean, I am legally an adult, and I have to learn to get around by myself, but I'm still taking baby steps. I can't deal with all of this freedom my dad's thrusting at me. It's kind of nice, but at the same time, really frightening. My dad wants to loosen his grip while my mom wants to tighten hers while she still can. It's an odd dynamic and I feel like I'm playing tug-of-war. Again. I always feel this way when I'm with them. I feel like they use me to get back at each other and that I have to "pick sides" like it's some kind of fucking war. That's why I've decided that if I ever get married and have kids and it does end in divorce, I want to remain on good terms with my ex like Ms. Morrow did. I wouldn't ever want my kids to have to go through this tug-of-war feeling. I don't want to bad-mouth my ex in front of my kids. It'd be nice to be able to talk to him/her without going through my kids. That's kind of why I'm afraid to be a parent. I'm so scared that I'm going to end up being like one of my parents. Hell, maybe like both of them. A wise friend of mine told me that both he and I would make great parents because we had examples of what not to be. I wish I could believe him.

Broken Hearts and Torn Up Letters.

There comes a time when you sit down and seriously consider who really matters in your life and those people who never seem to want to be your friend except for when it's convenient for them. I suppose my first clue was that it took a little over three years to form any sort of connection with this individual. Three years to form any sort of solid - hell, it's nowhere near solid, it's more like gelatinous - friendship. And I guess it bothers me that I spent a lot of time trying to become better friends with this individual only to get brushed off. I'm done trying. I'm sick to trying to be a part of someone's life who obviously doesn't want me in it. And I think I'm mostly mad at myself for kidding myself for so long, for listening to rumors, putting stock in something so...gelatinous. And sitting here, thinking about it, only makes it hurt even more. I didn't expect this friendship, or whatever the fuck it is, to fall through so soon. Especially because I held this person in such high esteem. I give up.

On a different note, I like comparing people from different generations. Take me and my grandfather for example. Earlier today he was talking about piercings and tattoos in a negative light, saying he didn't understand the point, which I can understand. I don't exactly take a conventional stand when it comes to piercings and tattoos; I like piercings because of the pain and adrenaline rush, plus they oftentimes look AMAZING. But it makes me wonder about the future: what kinds of things will -our- generation find offensive that our grandchildren will be completely open and accepting about? It's inconceivable to me; I can't think of anything that I would find offensive or not accepting of. Hell, most of our generation is completely open to gay rights. Maybe I'm blind and it'll only be a matter of time until I find something so offensive that I feel the need to protest against it. Only the future will tell, right?

I cut my hair the other day, I gave myself bangs. I'm antsy. I'm in a transitional period at the moment and I don't think I'll be completely happy until I'm out of it. I want to move. I want to be in Richmond and start classes. If I can't be there, I want to be on familiar ground, to be with people I know. I want to dye my hair. I think I'm experiencing cabin fever. I want to leave, but I'm trapped. Confined. I'll find my way out of this box eventually, I just have to manage a little longer.

Decisions, decisions...

Orientation for VCU is July 21-22. I'm excited, and nervous, and a little afraid, and anxious, and just a plethora of emotions and feelings. I keep trying to talk myself up about it, to try and be a tad more social than I am, 'cause let's face it: I'm really not all that social. I hate talking on the phone, I hate talking to people face-to-face. I hate confrontation and I sound like an idiot when I try to speak. I get nervous, my voice waivers and I say as little as possible to try to deter the other person from continuing to speak with me. It's horrible. I know all of this, I know full well what I do in order to push people away. I know the process, I know exactly what to do, and say, in order to make sure no one gets close to me. Unless, of course, the person knows exactly what I'm doing and counters it and makes sure I open up. But that's a different story entirely. The fact is, I have to find some way to break my tradition of silence and welcome new people into my life. Let's face it, college is not going to be a repeat of high school. I'm not going to go through the same phases. I'm better now. I'm not going to lose that.

Otakon is in a little over a month and I have to decide on whether or not I'm going. It's stressful. I hate relying on other people to determine whether or not I can go, and I'd hate to be stuck in Baltimore by myself. It's not really the alone part that bothers me. Hell, I was at AMA last year by myself and it didn't bother me. I found a cosplay group and I stuck with them the whole time. Best con experience ever. It's the fact that Baltimore is a HUGE city, and you have to pay to park, like, everywhere. I could room with someone and go to the con with them and split up at the con. I wouldn't mind that, but the trouble is finding someone to room with. .___.

I think I find things to stress myself out. I think a lot of the time it's all in my head and I have to find something to stress about so I can have the feeling of relief when it's all said and done. Take my math placement test for VCU. I stressed over it because I felt like I didn't know Trigonometry. In reality? I only missed one out of fifteen questions. I made it into Calculus - Math 200, like I was stressing. I worry myself thin. I do this all the time. It's something I need to get over as well. I'm a lot happier when I'm not worrying, or stressing over something that I don't need to stress about. It's unnecessary, and makes me neurotic.

On a different note: my mom wants to bond. And it's not really unwelcome, just slightly surprising. I don't know, I think she's finally coming to realize that I'm going off to college and I won't be here anymore. It's one of those things. It's not like I'm dying, but you don't realize what you have until it's gone. And she probably feels like these past eighteen years were taken for granted. Which is expected. And I don't blame her. And I don't mind it. It's kind of nice to have a mom now. Someone that wants to spend time with her child and laugh and be somewhat of friends. Rather than me acting as a pseudo-mother for my younger sister. It's times like these when I feel like I made the right choice going away and out of state for college. I no longer feel guilty or like I'm choosing one parent over the other. I finally feel like I'm doing the right decision for everyone, myself included.

And so it begins...

It's been a while since I've taken up blogging, about four years to be exact. I never really had much to say back then...but who's to say that I've found it possible to say much now, either? I suppose time will tell.

I'm an eighteen year old from Louisville, Kentucky. Not that exciting of a place, but enough of a place that I could call it home if I ever went back. I've had good memories and bad memories, but I'd never want to leave them behind. I like memories: the good and the bad. They're something to look back on, something to cause a smile or to shed a tear. I guess I never realized how important I held memories until I left.

"Leaving a trail is only a good idea if you can afford to lose what you're leaving behind,"

-- Photopia.

I'm leaving a trail, alright. But it's not a trail that I intend to lose. I'm leaving 4+ years of memories and friends behind for what, you ask? College. Virginia Commonwealth University, to be exact. Exciting? Yes. Perhaps the most excited I've been in quite some time. After all, it's the only school that I applied to. But with that excitement comes the pain of leaving everything behind. Sure, sure, I'm not technically leaving everything behind. After all, there's skype, AIM, MSN, facebook...the possibilities are endless. But who's to say that after a year of college life those close ties and friendships aren't going to diminish ever so slightly? Part of that frightens me. A lot. Like, a lot, a lot. But that's a part of life and growing up, right? Your bonds in high school just helped pave and form you into an individual who's ready to face the real world...kind of. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to leave everyone and everything I've known behind for new experiences, new faces, greater diversity.

After all, this is the first step; Not only is it the end of everything I've known, but the beginning of everything I will come to know.