When I feel like this, when I'm just so sick of feeling less than perfect, is it right for me?

Song: Are you ten years ago -- Tegan and Sara

I think I'm going to start posting the song that my titles are from. Haha. Take away all of the question and mystery.

It's a new year. A new semester. Maybe I'll reinvent myself. Maybe I'll take some measures to try something new. But all of this is cliche typical things you expect someone to say in the new year. I don't even have a New Year's Resolution. I never stick to them. I never follow them. If I don't make one, maybe I'll end up surprising me and end up "bettering" myself in some way, or "bettering" others. Who knows? It's a new year, anyway.

I've found recently that I want to be back in RVA. Being on break while living in dorms sucks. I'm not home. Yes, I'm "home", but it isn't home. I don't even know RVA that well, but it feels more like home than being anywhere else. Sure, visiting my mom in Florida was great, and I missed her, and it was nice to feel a part of a family, but Florida isn't where I live. Florida isn't where my things are. It isn't -my- home.

I think I know what I want to be when I grow up. I think I want to be a diagnostician. It's a puzzle; putting together symptoms to figure out what is ailing someone. If you've ever seen House, M.D. it's what he does. House is a Diagnostician. And I'm pretty sure that's what I want to be. Everything about that profession interests me.

Who knows. I say all of this now, but the future is so uncertain.

I feel like I'm the nightmare in somebody else's dream, it's always out of focus and much shorter than it seems.

I'm a complex individual. I make mistakes, I grow, I learn, and ultimately, I strive to be the best I can be. [That wasn't supposed to be a pokemon reference...] I just don't get what's going on in terms of any kinds of relationships at this point.

I miss my mom. I guess it's a good thing I'm going to see her in a couple of days because I really don't want to be here right now. I want to get away, if only for a little bit. Florida will be my escape for a while. My mom gets me in the worst way possible. She knows how frustrating it is to deal with those who come off as pretentious, privileged bastards. I feel like I can appreciate more because of how I grew up with my mom. No, it wasn't fun, but I can appreciate things like my shitty car that fucking runs and is dependable. My car is honestly the best thing I've owned in a while. Yes, it's rusting, leaks when it rains, and has a transmission fluid leak, but it's mine. It's paid for. I love it. My car is rough around the edges, much like myself. My car and I are one in the same. We're difficult to deal with at times, but once you get to know us, it's all second nature. I love my car. I appreciate my car. And yes, it may be "old and crappy", but I refuse to complain about it because it's never let me down. And only I can call it shitty.

I have one final left and it's Bio 152 lecture. I'm worried. Haha. I have to score a high C on the exam in order to pass the course with a C. If I spent less time worrying about it, and more time trying to figure out ways to make Bio click, I would probably be less stressed out all the time. Or this time. I don't know anymore. I'm burnt out, and tired, and I want this semester to be over.

Nothing works out for me when it comes to trying to form any kind of "romantic" relationship, for lack of a better phrase. So, parkour guy decides he's going to tell me that he likes me out of fucking nowhere...okay, I saw it coming. He was a little too cuddly one day when trying to study for Calc. Calc is nothing to get cuddly over. Calc does not make me think sweats and hot chocolate. But anyway. No one I'm interested in that sense ever becomes interested in me when I'm interested in them. Did that make any sense? It's always when I'm over the person do they want to try and start something. No, I'm not going to start anything with Mike. He had his chance back in october/november. It's a little late for this shit. This is why I'm starting to think I can't handle anything serious right now. I just can't worry about it. I don't have the capacity to give a fuck anymore.

Food makes me want to puke. And no, I'm not bulimic. I don't know what I did to piss off my stomach, but I can't seem to get full when I'm hungry. Maybe it's Shafer? Maybe it's food in general, but when I walk into shafer, all hunger leaves my system and I get nauseous. The idea of food doesn't sound delicious to me anymore, and I can't figure it out. It's probably stress, and it'll probably disappear after I'm done with finals. My stomach growls and I have no desire to spare it from the depths of hunger.

Ugh. I'm so fucked up right now. I need winter break more than anyone can imagine. And hopefully I'll come back a better individual.

I got plenty of time to waste on you, got plenty of time to waste on

Cute picture to eradicate the finals stress. :]

Monster, 7-11 taquitos and my chem book. That's about all that studying for this final has boiled down to. Chem is kicking my ass, but why am I letting it? I know this shit. I know I know this shit, so why and I letting it win? It's stupid, and I need to stop.

I've got a handle on this material. It makes sense, I just have a mental block that needs to go away. Things have been lightening up a bit, and I'm just kind of letting things roll. Plus, I found new music to listen to. Electronic, borderline-upbeat shit. Breathe Carolina. They're kind of interesting, but I can't stop listening. Like I can't stop listening to 3OH!3. Oh well.

I really want to just dance, I kind of want a rave. Maybe I'll go to a club in Florida. Maybe I won't. But I know I want one. SO BAD. The music, the atmosphere, I miss it. I need another anime con. Maybe I won't cosplay. Maybe I will. Maybe I need to save some money first. Haha.

I never thought I'd have to try and replace you, but there's no power left inside me to chase you.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore or where I'm going. I hate missing people. I hate feeling stuck. Blegh.

This semester is almost over, and it's stressful and a relief. Stressful because I need to pass and I feel like everything I'm doing is counter-productive to that goal. If sleep could erase all of my problems, I wish I could sleep for a while. I feel burnt out. I've felt like that all semester. And I probably should've waited a semester before coming to college, but there's nothing I can do about that now.

I'm rather happy with my schedule for next semester, though. GAH. I love physics. :D

Music is an odd thing. I'm equal parts happy and frustrated that certain songs can preserve memories. At times, I'll welcome it, but it's the times that I'd rather not that I hate having my music player on shuffle and the powers that be decide to play songs that I'd rather not have associated to memories at that time. Whew. That was a long sentence and I doubt it made any sense. I'm not taking the time to go back and read over it, either, to make sure that it makes sense. Now Playing: Here (In Your Arms) by Hellogoodbye

Sigh. I'm done here for now.

Love's an excuse to get hurt, and to hurt. Do you like to hurt? I do, I do. Then hurt me.

So I found this image while I was stumbling and realized how much it applies to my life and experiences and whatnot. I'm done with regrets and I'm done hating myself for things I've done. I've make plenty of stupid mistakes in my life, and some not so stupid choices, but at the point in time that I made them, it was, in fact, exactly what I wanted. And it's shit like that that helped form the individual that I am today.

"The guy back in Kentucky." That's what I refer to you as, and it's funny calling you that, but it's weird saying your name to people who don't know you. I tried it. I told one of my friends that I'd refer to you by your name and it just didn't work. So, you'll continue to be the guy back in kentucky. And I'll continue to miss you. And not know where I stand with you, again. And maybe it'll morph into a one-sided thing like it was years ago, and I would be willing to accept that. I'm the queen of one-sided feelings. I get it. And I can deal with that. I guess. It's actually kind of funny. Mike understands my predicament with the guy back in kentucky more than I expected him to and it's nice to be able to talk to someone and have them understand. He gets it because he has a "Girl back in NOVA". He gets how difficult it is, and it's nice. Mike is becoming the douchebag guy friend that I've needed since parting ways with the guy back in kentucky. And while we're on the topic of Mike, I'm done having "feelings" for him. He's the guy friend that I need, not the boyfriend I need, and I've distinguished that barrier.

I want this semester to be over, and I want to pass. And I'm doing a good job of focusing and getting organized on schoolwork. I'm not trying, but instead, I'm doing. [Hah. Another lesson taught to me by the guy back in kentucky.] And I wish it took me less time to realize that this is what I should've been doing, but it is what it is.

Thanksgiving break is next week - thank god - and I'm going to try and force my dad to play Swords and Serpents with me at least ONE day out of break. It needs to happen while there's time left to do it.

Oh, and I lost my bank card somehow. Fun stuff. So, I guess this is exactly what I needed. I kept telling myself that I needed to not spend money, and this is a sure fire way not to spend any. Looks like it's nothing but meal swipes for me for two weeks! D: Ah well, it gives me an opportunity to start eating less again. I'm gaining weight and I don't like it. Maybe it was because I didn't have parkour for a week, or something like that. I could just hit up the gym next week. That's looking like an option. I'm rambling.

I hope that someday I'll see without these frames.

What am I doing with my life? These days I'm growing frustrated. Really frustrated. And most of the time, it's all self-induced shit that I'm working through. Like grades. And classes. I'm so disjointed as an individual. I'm in a million different places right now, and I don't want to be in any of them. I find myself trying to put the puzzle together and once I find something that bothers me, I cast the entire puzzle aside, ruining anything that I had put together in the first place.

"But like the partisan whom Mr. Matzerath so admires, I remain restless and dissatisfied; what I knot with my right hand, I undo with my left, what my left hand creates, my right fist shatters." -- Gunter Grass, The Tin Drum

I don't understand why I'm having such a difficult time adjusting to college, adjusting to time management, and adjusting to life. I don't get why college is so much more difficult. I had a more strenuous course load in high school. I need structure and I'm not finding it these days. Maybe I'll have to create a schedule, set study times, etc. I'm falling into a dark place and I don't want to get there again. I don't want to think that everything will become easier if I skip a meal or two. That isn't who I am anymore. I'm better than that and I know it. I just wish things were a little bit easier right now, and they're only getting more frustrating and more difficult.

When I get this frustrated I just want to give up. And I don't want to do that anymore. I just don't know how I'm going to break that habit. I feel so fucking inferior right now. In EVERYTHING that I'm doing. I need a break. :/

I want to kill everybody in the world.

FUCK. I keep finding myself posting here, procrastinating. God damn.

Anyway, that piercing I had done is gone. Probably a good thing I was stupid and took it out. It wasn't the right gauge anyway and I didn't want to wait until it healed to fuck with it again. So, when it heals and Rachel's in a better mood we're getting pierced. I love having friends that like getting pierced. That are on that same wavelength as I am. It's difficult to explain to people why I get pierced, just one of those things. Same thing with trying to explain to people who don't understand the enjoyment of physical pain, or those who don't know what it's like to be so discontent with your figure that you don't eat. It doesn't make sense unless you've been there, or felt it. It's just one of those things.

I got a bunch of music from a friend recently and Adam's Song by Blink-182 was on there and it made me sad about Panda all over again. You never truly get over loss, and if you do, then the connection wasn't strong enough. Yeah, it's been over a year and I don't think about it as much, but that's life, right? Life goes on, even without those you love. Sure, I wish things had been different, and sure, I should've been a much better friend than I was. She was a better friend to me than I ever was to her and I more or less beat myself up over that sometimes. [Not as much anymore considering I don't get anywhere by beating myself up over the past.] I'm better, but I still miss her. I really could use her guidance.

I have proof that some sort of deity exists. [LAWL to BFGLOH]. Anyway, I got back to my dorm after my Theta Tau study meeting and realized that I was hungry. Like, really hungry. And I wanted to go to Qdoba, considering it's the only thing open at midnight on a Thursday. But I didn't want to walk down Broad St. alone at night. It gets pretty sketch. Haha. Anyway, my friend Diego texts me and it says "Qdoba run? :D" Like he fucking read my mind. I was SO pumped. I got to eat Qdoba. :D I'm not a believer in the Christian god, but if some deity is looking out for me, major props to him/her/it. MAJOR PROPS.

I miss high school. Sure, my classes were more difficult, but life seemed easier in that four year period. Even with my horrible phase from freshman year to mid-junior year. It was easier to balance friends, class and family. So much easier. And I had music, and humor and people who got me even when they didn't really get me. I guess I'm just getting nostalgic now. I miss a lot of things I was involved in, like orchestra and quick recall. [WHO FINALLY BEAT MALE. FTMFW. A-town's QR team is such a BAMF] I'm so proud of those guys :'D It just feels like it was so long ago that I was with all of them, and now I'm just so distant, I guess. Granted, I did that on purpose. I could've defaulted and gone to UofL, but I didn't want to be with people I knew, and who knew me. I wanted a fresh start, on a campus I had fallen in love with just by driving through it. I put myself here, and here I intend to stay, even if part of my heart will always reside in Louisville. [I miss Ale-8, too. They don't have it here. FML.]

I can't focus, my mind is wandering. Leaving me, drifting away. FUCK. This is not freewriting time, this is homework time. asdfghjkl;

I'm out.