Saturday, December 18, 2010

I feel like I'm the nightmare in somebody else's dream, it's always out of focus and much shorter than it seems.



I'm a complex individual. I make mistakes, I grow, I learn, and ultimately, I strive to be the best I can be. [That wasn't supposed to be a pokemon reference...] I just don't get what's going on in terms of any kinds of relationships at this point.

I miss my mom. I guess it's a good thing I'm going to see her in a couple of days because I really don't want to be here right now. I want to get away, if only for a little bit. Florida will be my escape for a while. My mom gets me in the worst way possible. She knows how frustrating it is to deal with those who come off as pretentious, privileged bastards. I feel like I can appreciate more because of how I grew up with my mom. No, it wasn't fun, but I can appreciate things like my shitty car that fucking runs and is dependable. My car is honestly the best thing I've owned in a while. Yes, it's rusting, leaks when it rains, and has a transmission fluid leak, but it's mine. It's paid for. I love it. My car is rough around the edges, much like myself. My car and I are one in the same. We're difficult to deal with at times, but once you get to know us, it's all second nature. I love my car. I appreciate my car. And yes, it may be "old and crappy", but I refuse to complain about it because it's never let me down. And only I can call it shitty.

I have one final left and it's Bio 152 lecture. I'm worried. Haha. I have to score a high C on the exam in order to pass the course with a C. If I spent less time worrying about it, and more time trying to figure out ways to make Bio click, I would probably be less stressed out all the time. Or this time. I don't know anymore. I'm burnt out, and tired, and I want this semester to be over.

Nothing works out for me when it comes to trying to form any kind of "romantic" relationship, for lack of a better phrase. So, parkour guy decides he's going to tell me that he likes me out of fucking nowhere...okay, I saw it coming. He was a little too cuddly one day when trying to study for Calc. Calc is nothing to get cuddly over. Calc does not make me think sweats and hot chocolate. But anyway. No one I'm interested in that sense ever becomes interested in me when I'm interested in them. Did that make any sense? It's always when I'm over the person do they want to try and start something. No, I'm not going to start anything with Mike. He had his chance back in october/november. It's a little late for this shit. This is why I'm starting to think I can't handle anything serious right now. I just can't worry about it. I don't have the capacity to give a fuck anymore.

Food makes me want to puke. And no, I'm not bulimic. I don't know what I did to piss off my stomach, but I can't seem to get full when I'm hungry. Maybe it's Shafer? Maybe it's food in general, but when I walk into shafer, all hunger leaves my system and I get nauseous. The idea of food doesn't sound delicious to me anymore, and I can't figure it out. It's probably stress, and it'll probably disappear after I'm done with finals. My stomach growls and I have no desire to spare it from the depths of hunger.

Ugh. I'm so fucked up right now. I need winter break more than anyone can imagine. And hopefully I'll come back a better individual.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I got plenty of time to waste on you, got plenty of time to waste on

Cute picture to eradicate the finals stress. :]

Monster, 7-11 taquitos and my chem book. That's about all that studying for this final has boiled down to. Chem is kicking my ass, but why am I letting it? I know this shit. I know I know this shit, so why and I letting it win? It's stupid, and I need to stop.

I've got a handle on this material. It makes sense, I just have a mental block that needs to go away. Things have been lightening up a bit, and I'm just kind of letting things roll. Plus, I found new music to listen to. Electronic, borderline-upbeat shit. Breathe Carolina. They're kind of interesting, but I can't stop listening. Like I can't stop listening to 3OH!3. Oh well.

I really want to just dance, I kind of want a rave. Maybe I'll go to a club in Florida. Maybe I won't. But I know I want one. SO BAD. The music, the atmosphere, I miss it. I need another anime con. Maybe I won't cosplay. Maybe I will. Maybe I need to save some money first. Haha.



Friday, December 3, 2010

I never thought I'd have to try and replace you, but there's no power left inside me to chase you.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore or where I'm going. I hate missing people. I hate feeling stuck. Blegh.

This semester is almost over, and it's stressful and a relief. Stressful because I need to pass and I feel like everything I'm doing is counter-productive to that goal. If sleep could erase all of my problems, I wish I could sleep for a while. I feel burnt out. I've felt like that all semester. And I probably should've waited a semester before coming to college, but there's nothing I can do about that now.

I'm rather happy with my schedule for next semester, though. GAH. I love physics. :D

Music is an odd thing. I'm equal parts happy and frustrated that certain songs can preserve memories. At times, I'll welcome it, but it's the times that I'd rather not that I hate having my music player on shuffle and the powers that be decide to play songs that I'd rather not have associated to memories at that time. Whew. That was a long sentence and I doubt it made any sense. I'm not taking the time to go back and read over it, either, to make sure that it makes sense. Now Playing: Here (In Your Arms) by Hellogoodbye

Sigh. I'm done here for now.

Listen to Music = Love


Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones